Assistance jokes

If you kill an emo, Is it an assist kill?

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.

I am throwing a party in space. Can you help me planet?

Why did the carrot roll down the hill?

Because he couldn't stop his wheelchair.

Two guys were beating up someone in an alley, so I stepped in to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

I was playing Warzone last night, and I shot my teammate that said they were emo. When I shot him, another player did, and it said "assist kill."

Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?

I made a house for orphans and...

they had no clue how to use it.

What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?

"Do you need help packing your shit?"

Why did Helen Keller have a yellow leg?

Her dog was blind, too.

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

What’s the hardest part about making vegetable soup?

To put the wheelchair in the pot.

Why did the dwarf work at Tesco?

Because every little bit helps!