Assistance

Assistance Jokes

Orphanage

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

  • 3
  • Vegetable

    What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.

  • 6
  • Rape

    I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

    Vibrator

    Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

    Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

    Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

    Bullying

    My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

  • 2
  • Blind Person

    So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

    When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

    Pass

    Cristiano Clapnaldo woke up FEELING DANGEROUS against Real Sociedad!

    - 0 tapins! - 0 assists! - 3/3 dives! - 0 key passes! - 2 big chances missed! - 1/4 dribbles! - 2 Offsides! - 27 claps!

    Better than Elanga?

    Carrot

    Why did the carrot roll down the hill?

    Because he couldn't stop his wheelchair.

  • 0
  • Night

    I was playing Warzone last night, and I shot my teammate that said they were emo. When I shot him, another player did, and it said "assist kill."

    Guy

    Two guys were beating up someone in an alley, so I stepped in to help.

    He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

    Dog

    Why did Helen Keller have a yellow leg?

    Her dog was blind, too.

    Boyfriend

    What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?

    "Do you need help packing your shit?"

  • 0