Advice jokes

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap? "Just beat it, just beat it."

Remember kids, if you're in a big problem, yell SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEËEEEEEEEEĒEEEEĘEEEEEEEEESH!

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

A wise man once said, "don't think young, think tight." He was a priest.

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

A father bought his depressed son a new house, and then pointing at it, he said, "Hang in there, son!"

I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.

Kill yourself!

This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

So, I saw two homeless people on the road fighting. I said, "Stop fighting and go home." I guess it was a little insensitive.

What did the cucumber say to the bell pepper that wasn't wearing enough clothes?

You need more dressing.

Is it OK to tell a Covid patient to stay positive?

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

Q: Why did the chef get fired?

A: He took cooking advice from Hitler!