Advice jokes

What did the rapper say to his shoes?

"You better lace up!"

Yo mama so fat when she goes to the shoe store, she needs to take their advice and get XXXXL.

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

What do you tell twins who are in love with each other?

Go fuck yourself!

My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺

Neona: Gwen?

Gwen: Yes... what can I do for you?

Neona: You were so right! Mr. Smith has sexual problems and is a fool! I am so sorry that you were not a liar! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!!

Gwen: You should have listened. Plus I'm over it!

Neona: Are you mad at me?

Gwen: Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don't listen.

Mr. Smith: Neona, tell us what you have for the biggest competition that we can do to keep our competitors out of the winning streak?

Neona: Will thought we used more sales and more advertising.

Mr. Smith: It's already a good idea. Now what about the business plan? We need it as recommendations to keep the business going. Tell me, what do you have in mind?

Neona: It is better to always have a plan. I was thinking that we can get higher prices and always get great deals. The people will go nuts for a great deal!

Mr. Smith: Perfect. Now let's take a 5 minute break.

Mr. Smith: Ok, 5 minutes is up! Now Neona, I know you are an intern, but what are the best things we can do for the company?

Neona: Hmm...let's see...will we can start with all the things people love! If this is going to work then we have have to......

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

Gwen just wanted to help you with the bullying.

Tip 1. Ignore them; bullies are really just cowards.

Tip 2. Stand up for yourself; it's ok for people to also help you, but you do the same for yourself!

Tip 3. Just let them be; they're just stupid!

Love you-Iariah

Why do sisters have to be in a relationship? Because you don’t have to worry about your car.

How to not exist: Kys.

Don't listen.

What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?

"Time to hit the sack!"

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

I did so much research that I got bone-tired from doing this, tibia honest. You probably didn't find that humerus. I got a skeleton of these puns. I guess I could learn a femur puns. I was wondering if the creators of this site could talus how they come up with puns or maybe give some advice? I'm only 14 years old.

If somebody gives you lemons, cut them in half and do the juice in his eyes.

Run, bestie, run!

Follow me if you need advice, or just follow me.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.