Help Jokes

Orphan

Dat fat kid at school
·

When someone calls you say this, Hi Welcome to Dave’s Orphanage, You make them We take them how may I help you! :)

Check

The Dirty Freak
·

You got a dig bick.

You that read wrong.

You read that wrong too.

Maybe you that read wrong as well.

You just went and back checked.

You reread of all that.

You have a pet wussy.

You that read wrong...

You need mental help.

Depression

EgdyMcEdgeSans
·

All my jokes are cys for help

INCLUDING THIS ONE

Parachute

Anonymous
·

Francis Pope, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy were one a falling airplane. Their were 3 parachutes. Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane saying, “The world needs my leadership!” Barack Obama grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.” The little boy says, “actually their are two, you see, Donald Trump took my backpack.”

7

Orphan

Evilevie
·

I’m a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you’re an orphan

2

Stand

Anderson moon
·

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Depression

Anonymous
·

Knock knock

Who's there

Insomnia

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can 't cry myself to sleep anymore...

Sadness

Anonymous
·

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friends pen, in the end he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chickens life

Wife

Anonymous
·

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again

Depression

Anonymous
·

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis, we talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing to her about being suicidal, she's been very helpful throughout it, I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

Priest

Anonymous
·

A priest is drowning in a river... A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says "leave me alone, god will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said "leave me alone, god will save me. " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked god "why didn't you save me. " God said "I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn't take them! "

Depression

.no..
·

dentist: open up sir

me:so..i hate my life my family my sisters my dog my cat and i tried to take a bath with my toaster but my dog took it that's why i hate my dog and my cat died trying to chew my rope it choked.....yea

dentist: i.. meant your mouth .. so i can clean your teeth

me: :O ohhhh my bad

dentist : do u need help??

me: yep

dentist:...

me: ....

Answer

Anonymous
·

You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?

Next time you get a call from them just answer the phone and say "Pizza Hut abortion clinic where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"

Corner

Bob
·

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says "my brother has just been hit by a car." The policeman replied with "OK then first I need to know your name." "Shut up" "No, I need to know your name." "Shut up." "Excuse me but where are your manners." "Round the corner picking up shit."

2

Shooting

Kira akuma
·

Three guy are in the woods, a a really smart guy, an average, and a really dumb guy, they bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting a little while later he comes back with a dear, the average guy asks how do did you do that? The really smart guy says says I see dear tracks I fallow dear tracks, I see dear I shoot dear. The average guy say I think I understand and leaves, an little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb goes *gasp* how did you do that!?. And the average looks at him funny and says well I see raccoon tracks I fallow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon I shoot raccoon. The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says Oooohh, ok I thiNo I can do that.. and leaves. Hours pass and and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mingled. They run to help him. Finally one of the guys ask him what happened this is what he said: I see train tracks, I fallow train tracks. I see train I shoot train. But train keep coming.

Advice

Krispy
·

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all

Fat

Anonymous
·

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! Thats not going to help!" She said. "Sure it does." he said. "Its the only way i can see the numbers."

4

Nothing

Anonymous
·

To everyone saying "don't joke about suicide, it's not even funny to laugh about people dying". Do you think we have it easy?? Have you ever thought these jokes were helping us to cope? Mind your own business and don't make assumptions on people you know nothing about, please and thanks.

Poor

wetnightmare
·

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help mean understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So me with my horrible humor decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are a fine African meal." then everybody looked at me in disappointment and then I continued to say, "what poor taste?"

8

Spare

Anonymous
·

In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.

7