Addiction jokes
Why couldn’t the booty stay calm?
Because it was on crack.
"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
Don't give emos crack, they're high enough.
What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?
They both get really high.
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?
The psychologist will thank you for coming.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
This is how I got [redacted]
Do you want drugs? Buy KFC; poor people.
We recently found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.
No one is taking it harder than grandpa.
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.
I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, but it's only mild.
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.
What does Michael Jackson get high on? A little crack.
Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.