Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
Fellow
@fellow
Goodbye guys, I'm out of this dump. (this was a lie, I'm back)
Five more days.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni and got plane. (Yes, it's "plain," shut.)
If someone is bullying you for being fat, remember, you're the bigger person, a MUCH bigger person.
My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.