Self jokes

Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?

Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.

How do pigs kill themselves?

They commit Kermit-cide.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

Why did 10 kill itself?

Because it was between 9/11.

All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.

I unironically shit myself. I am so sorry.

I killed myself, then woke up.

What’s the difference between me and Glow In The Dark Intelligent Putty? The putty’s intelligent!

My jokes are pretty "bone-arifick," if I say so myself. Hehhehe... Get it?

Stephen Hawking did not die; he deleted himself.

I’m a paki nonse.

A girl in the shop was getting bullied. She came to me saying, "I’m getting bullied." I told her, "Stand up for herself."

I know you came here to feel good about yourself...

They all call it self-baptism. I call it failed suicide.

I bullied a handicap today.

What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?

What do you call an orphan fish?

Self-ish.

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up, and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

What is the difference between a cow and me?

Nothing.

These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.