Accident jokes
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
I ran over three disabled kids.
"Cripple kill."
Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.
There was a school fire. I pushed the wheelchair kid into the fire and said, "Hot wheels!"
A married woman gets hit by a truck, and the cops tell her husband:
Cop: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Man: "I know, but she has a great personality."
Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he got hit by a car.
Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times? He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.
There was this intern that worked at an orphanage, and she burnt it down. Luckily, she doesn't have to tell her parents.
I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"
My boyfriend said if I kiss him, I'll get lucky. I fell down a flight of stairs.
Why did Suzie fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Why did the plane crash?
Because it was being flown by a loaf of bread.
What did Homer Simpson say when he ran over a deer? "DOE!"
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch!
Why did I walk across the road?
To get hit by a car.
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.
A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"