Accident jokes
Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.
And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
An old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her off the edge without knowing it was her cash she wanted to check, so I died to help her!
If there was a girl and a boy and the boy fell, what did the boy do to the girl?
He fell for her.
Me dozing off while driving.
Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!
Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.
I still remember my grandpa's last words.
"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"
Why did Sally get to go to Hawaii for free? She washed up on the beach.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?
Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.
I was hit by a car. Later, my ex lost her bus job.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."
Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.
What do you call plane crash victims?
Down to earth people.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.
What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?
They always line up.
If Kobe missed a shot, his helicopter will too.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.