Accident jokes

There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.

One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."

The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."

The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"

My wife was run over.

Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call.

He got hurt in a egg-cident, and it never got eggs-elent.

When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower.

It happened too fast, he watched the very last.

Next he died, eaten all fried.

Call me Kobe Bryant, cause I'm gonna helicopter out of this one.

So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.

"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"

Hondo's dad and mum went up the hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a Hondo.

So Helen Keller walked into a bar, then a stool, then a table, then a door...

Jack and Jill went up a hill. His condom ripped, and now they are from Alabama.

Why did Sally fall dead?

Because she was on top of a tower and fell because she had no arms. Hahahahaha!

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.

Why couldn’t Billy go to school today?

The bus driver hit Sally.

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.

What's yellow all over and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?

Everywhere.

Fatty and Skinny sitting in a bed.

Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.

What's black and white, black and white, black and white...?

A dead nun rolling down a hill.

What's worse than 10 babies in a truck?

One baby in 10 trucks.

I got hit by a bus.

But the bus was my ex.