Accident jokes

Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.

What song does Kobe Bryant hate?

"Rocky Mountain High."

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

I wonder if Kobe Bryant enjoyed his last flight.

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.

One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."

The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."

The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"

My wife was run over.

Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call.

He got hurt in a egg-cident, and it never got eggs-elent.

When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower.

It happened too fast, he watched the very last.

Next he died, eaten all fried.

Call me Kobe Bryant, cause I'm gonna helicopter out of this one.

So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.

"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"

Hondo's dad and mum went up the hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a Hondo.

So Helen Keller walked into a bar, then a stool, then a table, then a door...

Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.

And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.

Jack and Jill went up a hill. His condom ripped, and now they are from Alabama.

Why did Sally fall dead?

Because she was on top of a tower and fell because she had no arms. Hahahahaha!

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.