You jokes

Do you think Stephen Hawking could ever plug his Instagram or anything?

I talked to your doctor. He said you wasn’t going to make it because your stretch marks look like pieces of bacon.

You should watch Ryan ToysReview because he's not mean; he's a very nice boy.

Why do you think China should have a baseball team?

They can destroy the entire world with a single bat.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter; it ain’t coming to you.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs being pulled by a boat?

Skip.

You have 10 to live.

“Wait, as in 10 minutes?”

10, 9, 8...

What do you call a gay guy on fire?

LGBBQ

I have a riddle for you:

10 people are on a boat, but they all die due to a tsunami except the captain.

Then, when he gets home, his wife serves him “penguin meat.”

Once he eats it, he starts crying.

Why?

My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!

Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!

Yo, you have the biggest Oliver brain, which means you are the dumbest boy ever.

What do you call a white guy who can actually dance? Jewish.

You know Mark once said, "Go away, Freddy, or I'll suck your dick!"

A school shooter enters a kindergarten classroom. Little Timmy says, “He’s my daddy!”

The teacher, Mr. Mortez, screams. Little Timmy then says, “Mr. Mortez, my daddy says you’re a big fat whale and he wants to roll you all the way to Canada!” *pushes Mr. Mortez* Little Timmy says, “Hail f**king Canada!”

Bro, you can't be talking. You built like Barney the dinosaur. Barney is a dinosaur with dinosaur sensation.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Jeffy: "Daddy, Daddy, a monster said it’s gonna poop in your hat!"

Marvin: "I don’t believe that."

Jeffy: "But he said, 'Jeffy, I’m gonna poop in your Daddy’s hat!'"

The next morning,

Jeffy: "Daddy, a monster pooped in your hat!"

*Marvin/Mario looks in his hat*

Marvin: "Jeffy, I don’t believe you, you pooped in my hat!"

Adopted kid: I made a big mistake!

Dad: You are one.

How do you rape someone? By forcing them to do it with you! Please comment! Bad or good! :)

Fuck you, biiiiiitch!