Simone

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I should probably stop making emo jokes. They just don't seem to cut it anymore.

Q. What's the difference between pizza and an emo? A. The pizza doesn't cut it's self.

Q. Why did Hitler shoot himself? A. Because his mother taught him to take out the trash.

Q. What's the difference between Trump and a Teletubby? A. The Teletuby is a lot more coherent.

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama? A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes, they're so family friendly.

If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?

It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language. Weird. Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.

Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion? A. May your baby rest in pieces.

Q. What do a prostitute and a vacuum have in common? A. If the stop sucking you can smack them till they start again.