Year jokes
Orphans only have 363 days because they don't have Mother's or Father's Day.
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They don’t have Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
Doctor: You don't have long to live. 10...
Patient: Ten what? Ten years, ten months?
Doctor: 9... 8... 7...
I was gobsmacked when I encountered the Jacko special at a Bunnings sausage sizzle. A 40-year-old sausage on 7-year-old white bread.
Cow: *can't be milked for 20 years*
9/11:
In honor of Michael Jackson, Starbucks is introducing the 'Jackson Latte'. It's 50 year old coffee, with 8 year old cream. Get it while supplies last.
Hey guys. I just wanted to say, while I think some rape jokes can be funny, not one of these are. In fact, I find them pretty horrifying.
I was raped when I was fourteen (about six years ago), and I have made one rape joke in my entire life when, last year, I said "I don't fuck with rapists, I just get fucked by them." I thought it was funny. No one else did, and they were probably right in that.
My point is this: rape jokes CAN be funny when they are used by victims as a way of coping with trauma. They CANNOT be funny when they are made about raping someone else. Even if there is a difference between joking about raping someone and raping someone, it is absolutely disgusting to think such a horrific crime is funny, and I am sure at least some of the posters on this page have already crossed the line into committing rape.
Great material for social scientific research, though, gentlemen. Really well done.
First of all, if a woman sues Bill Cosby for drugging and rape 50 years ago, and she could still remember it, it couldn't have been all bad.
Why was Mrs. Claus upset?
Because Santa only comes once a year.
Sixty years ago, Stephen Hawking's teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams, kids. Reach for the stars.
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.
People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.
Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."
Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."
Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."
Four cows went to the county fair. They saw a sign that said that next year animals can enter a singing contest. They decided that they would enter next year. So they called their group the "4 Cs Quartet" since their names were Clementine, Candy, Cookie, and Columbine.
They discovered how they could win. After a discussion, they decided to eat as much corn as possible, so they would sing in perfect 4 part hominy.
I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...
no one could tell that it was their blood.
Susie was in her mother's room one night, as her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse; her boobs, plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will I get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few years. Her mother told Susie to find her father and say goodnight.
So Susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering. Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, Susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, and he said Susie would get it after her mother went to bed.
Why does Jesus never vacation on Earth?
Because he traveled down about 2,000 years ago, got with some Jewish chick, and they're still talking about it!
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.
Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.
Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.
But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.
While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.
We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.