Year jokes
I dated an orphan and then later married him for 7 years until he told me he was an orphan.
Dad: "I'll be back in a minute."
20 years later
Orphan: "Dad?"
Why did the chicken cross the road because he wanted to get run over and poop, and he died for 30 years until he was sent to Joe for getting run over, and he got killed by something, and then he died, and then he got it by you poop.
What's the best thing about f***ing twenty-six year olds?
There's twenty of them.
What is the difference between a priest and McDonald's? Nothing, they both stick their meat in between 12-year-old buns.
I wrote a few jokes:
What does a 15-year-old boy do without two hands when his parents are not at home? Well, obviously do not jerk off.
Yesterday a girl from my job invited me to her home and there I had crazy sex. I could not think that her mother is so hot.
What will happen the morning after the destruction of humanity? Duncan MacLeod makes himself breakfast.
My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."
Hey guys. I just wanted to say, while I think some rape jokes can be funny, not one of these are. In fact, I find them pretty horrifying.
I was raped when I was fourteen (about six years ago), and I have made one rape joke in my entire life when, last year, I said "I don't fuck with rapists, I just get fucked by them." I thought it was funny. No one else did, and they were probably right in that.
My point is this: rape jokes CAN be funny when they are used by victims as a way of coping with trauma. They CANNOT be funny when they are made about raping someone else. Even if there is a difference between joking about raping someone and raping someone, it is absolutely disgusting to think such a horrific crime is funny, and I am sure at least some of the posters on this page have already crossed the line into committing rape.
Great material for social scientific research, though, gentlemen. Really well done.
I was listening to WAP in my car with my four-year-old cousin, and she asked why they don't fix the holes in the house.
Then my fucking boyfriend, what a hoe, was.
Dear Gwen,
Gwen, when I said sorry, I meant that as a sarcastic "why" and point of view!
TBH, you make me sick as a dog! Also, you're so annoying; stop holding that anger in. BTW, I AM A SPECIAL CHILD!
BTW, I am 6 years old BTW!
Please comment good or not! Irdc!
I hope all of you had a great merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a good whatever you celebrate! I got so much this year, over $300 of fishing gear, a small 2011 coin mint collection, some coins from the Nazi party, a remote control car, 100 dollars, and more. Say what you guys got in the comments.
Gwen is a 40-year-old man, I think.
Some bread teacher: What will Reddit be in a few years?
Dumb Kid: DEADit?
Bread Teacher: You get an FY for FUCK YOU!
Bread Teacher: It will be BREADit!
Student: Hah, that's VERY funny! Might as well go to DEADit so I can die of laughter.
A Chinese man moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a home on a small piece of land.
The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.
He goes next door, but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees him urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the neighbor leading a bull down the driveway and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The American dude can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez man, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I am doing, these are American Customs."
"What do you mean," says the neighbor, "Those aren't American customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bull-shit!"
So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.
I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.
"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"
"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"
Son: Daddy?
Dad: Why tf do you keep calling me daddy? You're 11 years old, feminine gay hoe.
Son: Whoa!? Daddy, what's that?
Dad: Wtf are you talking about?
Son: Your dick has gotten more tastier?
Son: Ooh... I..... Just.... Wanna.... Sssuuc
Dad: Oh nope, I'm not having a gay hoe's fiend in my house, no quit looking at my dick, you need some pussy.
Son: eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww nooooo plz no plz
Dad: Shut the fuck up: ehr em
Mom: What the fugde is going on?
Dad: Our son's a gay bitch.
Mom: Language! So? I need to teach him how to like a girl huh?
Dad: Yes Ma'am, plz.
Mom: Okay. Herman, get your gay ass in my bed but naked, I'll be there in 10.
Son: wha whey huh ur gonna... wtf?!?!?!??
Mom: Quit cursing, I'm gonna fuck u extra hard!!
Son: Ewww, I'm gonna fuck my mom even though she is hot sexy but eeewwww.
Mom: Shut it!!!, or I'm gonna recordid and *fliped her hair taking off her panies (pussy naked)* and show this to ur gay fuck friends!
Son: Huh
Son: Mom FUCK U*
Mom: Okay baby I'm gonna fuck u in a minute lemme tak my bra off
Son: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH
Son: Moms are the worst, are they?
Me no there not sometimes but i love them teheheteheh
A young Greek couple got married, and at their wedding...
...the mother of the bride took the bride aside for a quick chat.
"My sweet," she said, "you're now a woman. I'm so proud. Some advice for you now that you're married: Greek men are very particular, and at some point when you're making love to your new husband, he might suggest that you 'turn around,' if you know what I mean. If that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, do not feel pressured to say yes."
The bride thanked her mother for the advice, and the wedding continued. That night, as she and her husband consummated the marriage, she was mildly surprised to learn that he never asked her to 'turn around.'
They spent a beautiful week together on their honeymoon and made love many times. But still, to her mild surprise, her husband never asked her to 'turn around.'
Their one year anniversary arrived, and they made love to celebrate the milestone. But again, to her mild surprise, the husband never asked her to 'turn around.' This continued for years: their second anniversary, third, fourth...
Finally, on their fifth anniversary, her husband started getting romantic with her in bed and said, "Honey, we've been married for five years. I was thinking we maybe try something new. I thought this time you could 'turn around,' if you know what I mean."
She replied, emphatically, "No! No, I do not do that, I am not that kind of woman!"
Without getting defensive, her husband simply said, "That's all well and good, honey. But I thought you said you wanted children?"
A guy once went hunting at a hunting ranch. After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in the rancher’s living room. There they were having a grand ole time then the rancher’s wife walks in. The hunter says, “That’s a nice piece of ass you got yourself there.” The rancher replied with a harsh, raspy Southern chuckle from years of Marlboro Reds, “You’ve never been so right in your life. Honey, why don’t you show our guest your tits?” She agrees and shows the hunter her plump DD cup breasts.
The hunter says, “Nice.” Then the rancher said, “Show ‘em yer pecker now.” She agreed and whipped out a 13 incher. Dazed and confused, the hunter says, “What in Sam Hill is that?!” And the rancher replied, “Now... lemme tell you... there ain’t a thing like it.”
1. Full name: John.
2. Proverb: work is not a rabbit, does not run.
3. Favorite meal: the sphinx with the sour cream.
4. Sexual orientation: sexually disorientated.
5. Mental health: mentally retarded.
6. Previous careers: funeral undertaking, after that two years in the circus as the main brown bear, after that in the church school for two years, after this experience five years as a screw in the jail for the worst criminals with the top degree of supervision and now working for the secret services in my home country after gaining the top-secret audit.
7. Favorite pets: dog, bumble bee named Maxo, a butterfly named Redwing and the lizard named Notail.
8. Favorite activities: washing the dishes, cutting the woods, vacuuming and playing hard rock.
9. Working motivation: none.
I hope that you will accept my curriculum vitae and that we will see each other soon already as new colleagues, I wish more or less. Kind regards, John.