Writing jokes

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?

A period.

Why?

Because it marks the end of a sentence.

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, it was more of a wrap.

Why did the girl rage badly when she got an D- on her essay?

Because the teacher said she missed all her periods.

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Pencils confused him: 2b or not 2b.

I wrote down a speech at home yesterday.

When I got to school, I was speechless.

I laughed when I realized that my suicide letter is way longer than my sibling's college essay.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

"F" stand for family, that's why "orphan" is spelled with "ph."

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

Why was the blunt pencil bad at making speeches? It never had a point.

Your hairline is so far back, I wrote a summary about it.

I was going to talk about your chin, but I wasn't sure which one to write about.

What is black when it’s clean and white when it’s dirty?

Answer: A chalkboard.

What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking, JK Rowling.