Writing jokes

I hate writing dwarf jokes, but I normally keep them short.

I have a joke about paper. It's tearable.

I wrote an essay today about Africa, and I FAILED even though I wrote a perfect rendition of the Hunger Games storyline.

The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.”

“Of course it is,” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”

Did you know the past tense of William Shakespeare is Wouldiwas Shookspeared?

My sister says I’m annoying, or that’s what I read in her diary.

What do you call a pen with no head?

DeCAPitated.

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.

The rest of them will write Perl programs.

Why isn’t the word “orphan” spelled with an “f” instead of “ph?” Because that “f” stands for “family,” and the word “orphan” doesn’t have a family.

Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Never mind, it's tearable.

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

I wrote a passage to stop about bullying, and it was easy. Do you know why?

Because I am a bully!

I was going to make a joke about a piece of paper.

It's just too tear-able.

Been learning Chinese...

69 is too-can-chew.

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

How are orphans like broken pencils?

Neither of them have points.

My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.

Umm, what joke should I make?

Is "buttcheek" one word, or should I spread them?