Wife jokes

Zion is so fat that his dick can't even fit in his wife's pussy.

Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.

Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!

Wife: Kid?

Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?

A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”

Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.

My wife is so fat. After sex, I rolled over twice. I was still on top of the bitch!

So, one day I have a wife, but if it's getting a longer day, she is moving so weird, and I see she has sex with Rick Astley. 😂 [rickrolled]

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

When God had to take a shit from making a good wife, you pasted between his ass cheeks...

Three men walk into a bar. The 1st says, "Hey, how's it going?" The 2nd one says, "Great!" But then the 3rd man says, "Hello, where did my wife go? I swear she was just here!" What happened to the 3rd guy's wife?

The only food I want to review is my wife's rear end.

My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.

I said, "Maybe."

After 6 months of lockdown,

I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself.

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

Why can't a homeless person be seen around your wife?

Because she'll ask for her cardboard box! Ahahah.

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?

Wife: “How do I look?” Husband: “With your eyes.”