It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Mr. Dark Joke
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
“Knock Knock!” “Who’s there?” “It’s Dave!”
“Dave who?”
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first doctor”.
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair”.
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news”. The doctor replies, “He’s dead”.
a Woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say “Knock knock”, we’d say “Who’s there?”
Then she’d say “I can’t remember”... and start to cry
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers”.
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”