Wife jokes

My wife is so fat! When she goes swimming, she leaves a ring around the lake.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

My wife is so fat. She buys her clothes at Tent & Awning!

My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?

I don’t turn on a light switch.

Trump pumped and dumped his wife at the border.

So your wife has died, and now she is marginally better in bed than before.

If you really want to get her to wiggle, simply add maggots.

Most of his Taliban friends have more wives than teeth.

12345678910 w =0 w

Peanuts are hard to crack, just like my ex-wife's heart.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I turned gay because my wife is too poor.

Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?

Wife: “How do I look?” Husband: “With your eyes.”

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.

I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"