Wife jokes

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.

One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."

"How many men does your wife have?"

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

I turned gay because my wife is too poor.

Wife: “How do I look?” Husband: “With your eyes.”

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!

My wife is so fat, she gets weighed on the Richter scale.

My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?

I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.

What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?

I don’t turn on a light switch.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

So your wife has died, and now she is marginally better in bed than before.

If you really want to get her to wiggle, simply add maggots.

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

Peanuts are hard to crack, just like my ex-wife's heart.

Trump pumped and dumped his wife at the border.

Most of his Taliban friends have more wives than teeth.