Wife jokes

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.

My wife is so fat, she gets weighed on the Richter scale.

My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.

My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!

My wife is so fat! When she goes swimming, she leaves a ring around the lake.

My wife is so fat. She jumped up in the air and got stuck.

My wife is so fat. She buys her clothes at Tent & Awning!

Peanuts are hard to crack, just like my ex-wife's heart.

Trump pumped and dumped his wife at the border.

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?

I don’t turn on a light switch.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

So your wife has died, and now she is marginally better in bed than before.

If you really want to get her to wiggle, simply add maggots.

Most of his Taliban friends have more wives than teeth.

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