There are days I feel really bad for my Wife. She has to feed me in the same place I take a dump.
She really hates it when I spit my food back out.
Wife Jokes
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
There was a dude. He had a mondo dong.
His wife was like, "Yo, where are your balls?"
The dude says he left them in the fridge. His wife replies, "I knew those meatballs tasted weird!"
The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"
The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)
Who is Stephen Hawking's wife?
The American Siri.
What cigarettes does Churchill's wife like to smoke?
Blue Winston.
I was digging in a garden once and found a chest full of gold. I wanted to show my wife, but then I thought about why I was digging in the first place.
The highest praise my wife gave to me was when she told me, "The best feminine attribute on your body as a woman would be your p🍆nis." 🥰
I like my wife like I like my coffee: so sweet, it gives me headaches.
Farmer's Wife: Honey, where are the cows?
Farmer: Up in the mountains grazing.
Farmer's Wife: Why?
Farmer: I don't know, but the steaks have never been higher.
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.
Why did the Mexican man throw his wife out of the window...
Ta kill her.
Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag?
She lost her ass playing poker...
What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him when he came home drunk?
Nothing... she couldn't tell.
My wife said I acted like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
At my sample place, I handed my wife a fork and I lost my job.
My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.
I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.
They say the polar ice caps are melting, good, because my wife's a fat, cold bitch.
