Wife Jokes

There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead.

Matt, "Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife"

Priest, "how so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything just rubbed each other, that's all"

Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box"

Matt, "okay i promise not to see her again"

Then Matt walks out the door

Priest, "Hey I saw you! you didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in"

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

How can I be racist my wife’s eye is black

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

I walked into a supermarket to get some ordinary clothes for the wife. Then I realised I was in a rape museum

*Riddle:* All men have one, some got long some got small. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife after getting married. What is it?

My wife (or husband) told me to get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I had just realized when I got home that I had picked 7-up

My wife is pregnant but when we get to doctors something happened..........

What happened?

A:the husband is pregnant too with someone else’s baby not the wife’s baby but the wife is pregnant with his baby.

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off.

A: Why are you so sad? B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movi

Guy asked me what I do for a living. Now I'm not old enough to get a job so I said nothing. He asked me again so I said, "Your wife" The guy goes to slap me but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”

Chris Rock: Jada I can't wait to see you in G.I Jane 2!

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song starts playing:

Will: I got in one lil fight about my wife's lost hair, she said,'' Will if you don't do something I'm gonna have an affair!'' 😂😂😂

My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort

It's getting near midnight and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain. The email reads: „Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here“.