Wife jokes
What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!
So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.
20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
What is more time-consuming than children?
Waiting for your wife to go into labor!
I got breast implants for my wife to squeeze on as she thrusts on my meat while straddled in between my legs.
My wife
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him when he came home drunk? Nothing... she couldn't tell.
I told my wife she was lousy in bed.
She replied, "I guess you have been seeing your ex-girlfriend, uh?"
There was a dude. He had a mondo dong.
His wife was like, "Yo, where are your balls?"
The dude says he left them in the fridge. His wife replies, "I knew those meatballs tasted weird!"
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad husband?
Because he doesn't stand up for his wife.
My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.
So your wife has died, and now she is marginally better in bed than before.
If you really want to get her to wiggle, simply add maggots.
Peanuts are hard to crack, just like my ex-wife's heart.
My wife is so fat. She buys her clothes at Tent & Awning!
What's the difference between a man's wife and his dog?
Lock them both in the trunk for three hours and see which is happy to see you when you open it.
A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.
Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"
There was a family, the father's name was Mad, the mother is Brain, the brother's name is Nobody and the sister's name is Everybody.
One day, Nobody killed Everybody, and the father ran to the police's office and screamed, "NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODY!!!!!"
"Sir, are you okay?" The police asked.
"I said, NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODYYYYY!!!!!" The father yelled even louder.
"Are you mad?" The police asked.
"Yes, because my name is Mad!" The father exclaimed.
"Where's your brain?" Asked the police.
"At home because my wife name is Brain," the father said. The police fell down due to the confusion.
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.
What is black, white, and red all over? My third wife.
My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.