Wife Jokes

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.

What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?

“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”

When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf? When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice....

a little boy decided to burn a house down. the father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "thats arson"

A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better so i sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wifes broken leg.

I hate my wife

A husband comes home from work one day and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

My best friend ran away with my wife I really miss him

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labour, the doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father, they agree so the machine is used, 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not felling anything, 100%, nothing. The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

The Wife said "Honey! Do you like my new Teeth?"

The Husband replied "They remind me of stars Darling!" "Yellow and Far apart"

Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he's too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

Once I went to watch a match in protugol it was between penaldo and his kids the Refree was Georgiana(his wife) mpaypal and igayspeed were also there the match begin and his kids scored 2 goals in first 10 minutes and during when match was about to end penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties his wife declined and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them ) but won 3-2. Shame on u penaldo 😡😡😡

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life ten when I woke up my wife was gone.

A wife was cleaning 12-year-old son’s bedroom When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?” The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park. Lord: Has something happened while I was gone? Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog. Lord: My dog died?! Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down. Lord: My mansion?! How?! Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains. Lord: Why was she so distraught? Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped. Lord: My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?! Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!