Wife jokes
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
What do you call a Hippie's Wife? A Mississippi.
When your wife takes 30 minutes to get ready.
Me: Takes five minutes.
Me: Hun, you done yet?
A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The bartender answers, "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets."
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.
Why did the farmer's wife chase the chickens out of the yard?
'Cause they were using fowl language!
My wife is a whore, so I pimped her out and broke her mentally and emotionally, taught her a good lesson of being a real woman loyal to her man. End of story, you women are bitches.
There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
Billy: *spits out food*
Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.
Dad: *looks at mom*
Mom: Shut up.
If you get it, you get it.
I moved so much stone today.
I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
The highest praise my wife gave to me was when she told me, "The best feminine attribute on your body as a woman would be your p🍆nis." 🥰
On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"