One day when I driving around our children's school with my wife she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did we hear a loud, long scream.
Husband: Dammit alice! I'm your husband and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you! Wife: Go to hell Bob! I'm Leaving! Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says"I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?" Man,"Sorry i thought it was the start of Eastenders"
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord
A Man: I must confess father Priest: what are you her to confess A Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son Priest: and what happened to your son A Man: He said a man raped him Priest: when and where did this happened A Man: a local church, idk which one Priest...by whom? A Man: A priest he said, he said the priest had black hair and blue eyes. kind of like you Priest: ...shit
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
What do you call a Hippie's Wife? A. Mississippi.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
120 pounds
What is black, white, and red all over?
My third wife.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
What do you call Steven Hawkins wife? Siri
Why do brides wear white?
So the match the kitchen appliances
Why does this Stingray's wife can't stop babbling? Cause, she can't watch her mouth.
How did Stephen Hawking really die...his wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything
What do you do when your dish washer stops working
Hit your wife harder
Wife: Honey! Do you like tea? Husband : No, I like after "T"! .............. It means: the letter "U" : you!
My wife still misses me...
But her aim is getting better!
A week before Christmas my wife left me, she said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore. On Christmas eve Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "all I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world." On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
A man marries a blonde chick, live a happy life together and the man asks his wife if she wants kids she says "yes". So, a couple years go by, they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question"
One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.
She asked me, "What are you doing?"
I replied "I'm making a pink yeti."
She asked "What does that mean?"
I said "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."
