Wife jokes

You have to be a good mom to be a MILF.

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.

Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95

Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.

"Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

JFK was so popular he was banged in front of his Wife.

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

Husband: Hey, my dear, this lunch is great. Where did you find the recipe?

Wife: In a detective novel.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)

Why did the woman cross the road?

What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?

Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

What's the difference between a grenade and your wife? There's none. Take out the ring and half of the house is gone.