Wife jokes

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”

The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”

The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”

Wife: “I want another baby.”

Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one!”

Husband: Hey, my dear, this lunch is great. Where did you find the recipe?

Wife: In a detective novel.

If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?

Tony Abbott's career.

Yo papa's wife is so dumb and fat that we had to use yo papa.

How did a man know his wife died?

Dishis start piling up.

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

How did Anakin get away with cheating?

By choking on his wife!

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"