Wife jokes

The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

Why did the woman cross the road?

What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?

Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Yo papa's wife is so dumb and fat that we had to use yo papa.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.

How did a man know his wife died?

Dishis start piling up.

How did Anakin get away with cheating?

By choking on his wife!

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

One night a guy asked his wife where she wanted to eat. She said, "Chinese food," so he flew her to China. The next night, he asked her what she wanted to eat. She said, "Indian food," so he flew her to India. The last night, he said, "What do you want to eat?" and she said she wanted nothing, so he flew her to Africa.

"My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.

"Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.

"She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"

"You getting kicked out, bro?"

"Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."

"Is she one of them woke bitches?"

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."

As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.

I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.