I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead.
Matt, “Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife”
Priest, “how so?”
Matt, “We were together naked, but we didn’t do anything just rubbed each other, that’s all”
Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box"
Matt, “okay i promise not to see her again”
Then Matt walks out the door
Priest, “Hey I saw you! you didn’t put any money in the donation box!!”
Matt, “Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in”
3 men walk into heaven at the same time. they all live in the same city. god asks the first man “how did you die?” the man says “I have a heart condition and iv’e been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. anyway I get how from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hang of the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guys fingers! he falls into a bush so I throw a refrigerator on him.” God asks the next man “how did you die?” the man says I was cleaning the windows and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! luckily I fall safely in a bush! but then a refrigerator falls on me!" god asks the third man he says" I was the one in the fridge!"
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”
Billy: spits out food
Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.
Dad: looks at mom
Mom: Shut up
If you get you get it
Hey what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes)
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick
I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.
4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better so i sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wifes broken leg.
The cops are still searching for my wife’s killer. Luckily I already fled the country.
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says who the fucks be fucking my wife the room goes silent, the guy in the back finishes his beer and says you ain’t got enough bullets.
What’s the difference between my wife and a battery? I can’t use a battery when it dies.
There was a cannibal who had a wife and (eight) kids.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral. This friend asks his wife "Can I say a word?" “Of course” she says. The man stands up and says "Plethora" The man’s wife says “Thanks, it means a lot”
The Wife said “Honey! Do you like my new Teeth?”
The Husband replied “They remind me of stars Darling!” “Yellow and Far apart”
how do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
- she comes home with sparkles on her face
Two friends who’ve been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday. The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, “If she doesn’t like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!”
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I’m just a bit surprised. When I said to you “spit it out” I wasn’t expecting you to say you’ve been shagging my wife.
Wife: (on phone) hi Husband: hey I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?” The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.” The sex addict asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?” The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?” The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, “A gold necklace and a dildo.”
The rich man asks, “Why those two things?” The sex addict astutely reponds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the jewelry she can go f… herself.”