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It was an emotional wedding even the cake was in tiers{if I explain it it will ruin the joke}

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park. Lord: Has something happened while I was gone? Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog. Lord: My dog died?! Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down. Lord: My mansion?! How?! Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains. Lord: Why was she so distraught? Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped. Lord: My daughter! Don’t you have any positive news for me?! Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!

why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

What’s the difference between a potted plant and your wife?

The first is easier to bury.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy “What’s going on here!?” He exclaims. The wife replies “See, I told you he was stupid.”

My wife still misses me…

But her aim is getting better!

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the chicken had 4 chicks and a cheating hen who all sucked out all his money he got from his extremely boring job, and he finally got some peace for himself and was going to the local bar, which was on the other side of the road. He walked in the door, wings sagging, feathers catching on his claws. The bartender eyes him as he sits on a bar stool. “Chuck, how ya doin’? The missus doin’ good?” "Just give me the hardest stuff you got. I’m done." This caught the bartender by surprise. “Chuck, come on, don’t be sayin’ that. Just look to the future and you’ll be fine.” “What future?” Chuck replied in a huff. “My wife and chicks are so goddamn pestering sometimes, you know? But if I leave, they’ll all suffer, and I don’t want that either. Oh, God, Phil, I don’t know what to do.” “You know, you’ve got a good heart for a rooster your age,” Phil answered. "We need that in these parts. I’m tellin’ ya, there will be more than what’s happenin’ right now, ya know, life’s got all its gears turning for ya, and there’s just a bit slow right now. The gears haven’t been oiled in a while, but who’s the only one who can fix that?" Chuck knew the answer. "Me." Phil returned with his drink. "McClucken’s Whiskey, on the house." Chuck glanced at his glass. He held it up to the light. His face reflected in an aura around it, neither looking forward to the light and not backward, either. “No thanks, Phil,” Chuck sighed, "But thanks anyways." He went to get up out of his chair. Phil called as he walked out the door, "Just remember to oil the gears every now and then, eh?" Chuck’s comb flapped in a cool breeze brought in by the season. A bench was nearby, staring across to the other side. And he just sat there, sat there thinking. Cars blurred to a colorfully colorless nothingness as he thought in silence. He could see an open window in his mind, full of chickens: a sassy hen, two identical sportish chick; another, older than the two, and body bristling with blue comb-dye and the latest thing he watched online fresh on his Chickstagram page; finally, the first of the bunch, shy, bookish, with a secretly courageous soul. They all looked… worried, worried for the rooster who guided them, helped them grow, supported them… and all looking out of the window back at him. A single tear welled in Chuck’s eye. The chicken walked back across the road to his family, to his friends, and to the life he was content with.

What is black, white, and red all over?

My third wife.

The other day my wife said "take me someplace I have never been before, I said why don’t you try the kitchen! "

Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills.

Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

Wife: Honey, i love you

Husband: i love you all

Wife: awwww… Wait WHAT !!!

Why did Stephen hawking die? His wife forgot to plug his wheelchair into the wall

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says"I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?" Man,“Sorry i thought it was the start of Eastenders”

“guess what my wife left in the freezer”

“her miscarriage”

My wife was run over

A NASA scientist is sitting in a bar when a Martian walks in and orders a martini. The NASA scientist quickly realizes he is dreaming and wakes up. He turns to his wife and tries to explain the dream, but she rolls over and ignores him because she is tired of listening to him. The NASA scientist begins to sob because his marriage is in shambles. lmao

what did the man say to his wife? “MAKE ME A DAMN SANDWICH WOMAN!”

One time, I bought a magnet, my wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn’t help myself, I felt attracted to it.

What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?

Her Miscarriage