When jokes

When China built the Great Wall, the Mongols invaded them and founded the Yuan dynasty. With Trump building his wall, will the Mexicans invade the US and found the Juan dynasty?

When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.

Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."

What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?

You reload and keep shooting.

You're so short, when you were born, the doctor couldn't tell if you were a boy, a girl, or a Jimmy Dean pork sausage.

When I was born the doctors said, "it's a boy!" Then when they went to cut the umbilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, "Oh, it's a girl."

😳 😳 😳 what can a physically handicapped ♿ 👬 👨 👨 gay man can do better than a physically handicapped ♿ bisexual man 👨 👩 👨 🤔 when his 👄 mouth is wide open 😍 when his head is sticking out under the stall inside the men's 🚹 restroom 🚻 at a rest 😴 area 😴 suck the chrome of a tall pipe 👄

Yo mama so stupid that, when she heard about cookies on the internet, she ate her computer.

What did God say when he made the Black human? Oh no, I burnt another one!

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

Why does Michael Jackson wear a white glove?

So he won't bite his fingers when he eats a tootsie roll.

When the school shooter is right outside the classroom window, and the autistic kid starts trying to say hello to him.

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?

To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.

What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?

A hoedown.

Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.