When jokes

Why does Michael Jackson wear a white glove?

So he won't bite his fingers when he eats a tootsie roll.

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."

What do you get when King Kong steps on Batman and Robin?

Flatman and Ribbon.

I wrote down a speech at home yesterday.

When I got to school, I was speechless.

Teacher: "I was an orphan when I was a kid."

Students: "oof"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Yeah, your parents."

You are what happens when women drink during pregnancy.

When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

Do you get jealous of your clothes when they hang from the line?

What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!

Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.

Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.

Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.

In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.

I have a dog named Syndrome.

But it gets kinda awkward when he jumps on someone and I have to shout, "DOWN SYNDROME!"

What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?

A hoedown.

When the orphan got a job as a priest, what was his name?

Father Les.

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

Girls are like volcanoes.

You never know when they will erupt.

Yo mama so fat, when I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

And microtransaction.