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Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle? – Because dogs can’t whistle.

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human? Ask Boeing.

What’s the difference between a bird and a human? “We don’t eat with our peckers

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo!

Mary had a little lamb. Key word is had, her dad’s favorite meat is a human

Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.

How do blondes play real life jenga? By stacking humans.

So a women was paranoid so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed and if the dog licked her hand then she was safe.One night just before bed she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick so she went to bed. She in the middle of the night needed to go to the bathroom. So she walked into the bathroom and on the window it said: HUMANS CAN LICK TOO! Then she was murdered.

“I created the Human Torch”

according to all known laws of aviation, a bee should not be able to fly, it wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. but of course, bees fly anyway because bees don’t care about what humans think is impossible, Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black

Chuck Norris lit a campfire and humans saw the sun for the first time.

I knew the human race made mistakes but your the worst i’ve seen so far…

God creates a mosquito :) God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly. Angel: okay… a bug. God: now give it’s face a sword, but it has a hole so it’s basically a mouth. Angel: weird… but okay… God: and give it wings. Angel: eh, not half bad Go- God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS Angel: shook o-okay God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out. Angel: .-. God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give ‘em a taste ‘o that! evil grin Angel: cries Angel: whispers; I’m so sorry…

Whats the resemblance between a microwave and reproduction( human )? -they both make a sound at the end.

What body part do pigs have that humans don’t have? A hambone.

What’s the worst living thing on planet earth? Humans

Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?

It’s an ARMadillo