When jokes

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

Your mom is so fat that when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed, but the sidewalk cracked up.

I wrote down a speech at home yesterday.

When I got to school, I was speechless.

Teacher: "I was an orphan when I was a kid."

Students: "oof"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Yeah, your parents."

You are what happens when women drink during pregnancy.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!

Girls are like volcanoes.

You never know when they will erupt.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

When two wheelchairs hit each other, is it a fender bender?

You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I cry when I chop up onions.

When Chuck Norris breaks a mirror, the mirror gets seven years of bad luck.

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

Yo mama so fat, when she joined NASA, they put her in orbit and the next day there was a lunar eclipse.

When Stephen Hawking found out about physics, he was speechless.

What did God say when he made the Black human? Oh no, I burnt another one!

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?

Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.

Serial murderer Ed Gein was famed for raping, killing, and skinning his victims.

When he was asked why he did it, he responded, "You don't know someone until you walk around in their skin."