When jokes

What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?

Hitler knows when to kill himself!

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

She comes home with sparkles on her face.

When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.

Incest.

When "slow down and apply more lube bro" REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.

What did God say when he made the Black human? Oh no, I burnt another one!

What did PETA say when a cheetah won 5 million dollars?

You can't beat a cheetah!

Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.

During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: started to laugh and said, "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!

What did the condom say when he came out of a gay guy's asshole?

He said, "Fuck this shit!"

What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.

What do you do when your baby starts screaming?

Use more lube.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.

A boy and his friend were walking down the street.

Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"

Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."

Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."

Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.

He came in twice.

(like if u understand)

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

What is it called when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.

My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."