When jokes

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?

There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.

Why are washers better than babies?

Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.

A joke becomes a dad joke when it leaves for milk and never comes back.

When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

Dark humor is like cancer, it's even funnier when children get it.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

When you tell your Roblox girlfriend you’re breaking up with her, and then 10 seconds later you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.

Guy: I don't, I see your mom.

When the school shooter knocks on the classroom door, and the autistic kid opens it.

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.

I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

Yo mama is so fat and old, when Jesus said "Let there be Light!" he told your mama to move out of the way!

What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.

But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.