When jokes
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
So sad when the emo kid tried to give a high five to a tree.
Too bad he left him hanging.
When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
When you name yourself Twin Towers and Terrorist in Kahoot:
"Twin Towers" is on fire🔥
"Terrorist" is on a streak of 2.
I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."
Who needs April Fools?
When your whole life is a joke?
When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,
Then the speed bump starts screaming.
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.
where do suicide bombers go when they die? everywhere!
The other day, me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts. I was wearing a black top; she was wearing a stripy top. We were arguing about who was more creative when she asked me to prove that I am. I just said, "You buy your stripes, I make mine."
what happens when the president turns emo?
the great depression.