Lock Jokes

Kid: What is between mom's legs?

Dad: Paradise.

Kid: What's between your legs?

Dad: The key to paradise.

Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.

Max likes his girls like he likes his wine. 7 years old and locked in his basement.

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."

I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.

What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?

Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.

What's a similarity between The Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail and a bunch of 12 year olds?

They are all locked in the Priest's basement.

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

Q: How do you make a door cry?

A: Twist its knob.

How did the burglar get into my house?

Intruder window.

Why did the car key never fit in?

He was too door key.

Why did the polack lock himself out of his car?

Because his keys were inside of the ignition.

I like my orphans how I like my wine, locked in my basement for ten.

Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife?

Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Dooris." "Dooris who?" "Door is locked, that's why I'm knocking!"