When jokes
I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.
My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.
Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.
Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.
When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.
When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.
When you ask the cashiers for the specials menu, and they bring out the autistic kid, blind kid, and Down syndrome kid.
What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing boeing boeing.
My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.
Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.
What's an orphan's favorite part in the Wizard of Oz?
When Dorothy says, "There's no place like home."
I got introduced to a dwarf at a nudist colony the other day.
When we shook, the pleasure was all mine.
Q) What do you call Iron Man when he can't swim?
A) Robert Drowney Jr.
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”
Note to self.
When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".
Google "cream pie recipes".
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
How are rape and airplanes similar?
The ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.
Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"
You're so poor, when you kicked a can, a man asked, "Are you moving?"
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he's pushing the Earth down.