Birth Jokes


A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labour, the doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father, they agree so the machine is used, 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not felling anything, 100%, nothing. The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.



A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.


"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

vodldu7v n

in Forehead

your forehead is so big your mum spent an extra hour in the birth delivery room

Sad Sad Sarah

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without kids.



Woman: A woman’s life is harder, there is mestration, Periods, birth… Man: The Men have to deal with Women



yo hair line as long as george washingtont date of birth

Jahumhmed khann

in Adoption

Little of topic but Mum. You.wouldnt be here without me Son and my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory Mum fair point


in Fat

My wife is so ugly when she was born. The doctor said I did everything I could but she pulled through anyways. When she was born the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in said not done. The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said twins. He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the after birth.

GG Miller

in Skinny

You're so skinny, your mom actually enjoyed your birth!

GG Miller

in Forehead

Your forehead is so big your mom spent half of the time in the delivery room giving birth to just your head.

Stand Up Comedian

in Standup Comedian

Why do we call it dead bodies? Nobody says alive bodies! like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG ITS FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones tho." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on husband, help me with the bodies." If its a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"

GG Miller

Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate is an apology letter.

I’m bad at this

in Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill wanted some pills So they went to the dealer he saw they were kids and said fuck this shit then jacked rocked his ass and took all the good shit except birth pills



your forehead is so big that your mom stayed in the delivery room just to give birth to your head



Your so ugly that your birth certificate is an apology.


in Type

The way ladies cheat nowadays is very alarming. She might give birth to twins, but each twin having a different father. 😭

Paul Walker


I watched a documentary called Redline Carrera: birth of the memes. It all started with Paul Walker.

Little girl lover

Why did the sexy 12 year old girl with cerebral palsy get raped? Because her parents didn’t have the decency to drown her at birth