A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-inated

What’s the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus’s birth date

I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn’t giving birth the bloody car would not start .

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decalffeinated.

Your Birth Certificate is an apology from the Condom factory

So one day I was walking home from school with my best friend sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that bob the class rep got her pregnant a eight months ago and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said “sally it’ll be ok I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson” “yeah thanks suzy” she said to me then went into her house. The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school so I was like oh she must be in trouble with her mom I’ll go check on her So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands “oh hello. Is that Sally’s son!! Can I see sally?” Her mom says sure and I go inside but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone “here lies sally 2004-2020” so I ask her mom in tears “oh did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied “you could say that…”

What is similar about the feelings of a girl’s birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?

They both worry about how she will turn out!

Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sisters, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughter. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.

What did hitler get for his 6th birth day???

A KEWsy burger and an easy bake oven

Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company

if your wife dies of child birth can you press charges on the baby

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan (one), you’ve seen Ahmal (them all).”

My stepmom kicked me out of the house because was I was raped and got pregnant. I kicked her to death because she had sex ad gave birth to my rapist stepbrother.

An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: 'Why is my sister caleed Crasy horse and my brother Rushing water?' Mum: Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions 2 dogs fucking?

What keeps you breathing when your on earth?

I don’t know I suffocated at birth

Yo mama so ugly she had to ask Satan to help her give birth

Runescape is the only form of birth control that is 100% effective.

How did the orphan survive birth?

u

tech administrator of a school: hm, a message from google security? tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT! assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME? tech administrator of a school: WEVE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE! assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC… let’s call the school board

A FEW MOMENTS LATER

head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! that’s a good one, almost as good as the one with jack, jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right whispers you are playing it cool, right? head of school board: whispers yeah were fucked…

TWO HOURS LATER

important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!

AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER