Birth Jokes

Madison R.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labour, the doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father, they agree so the machine is used, 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not felling anything, 100%, nothing. The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

Coffee
in Cow

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-inated

Anonymous

What’s the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus’s birth date

4
in Emo

What do EMO kids use as birth control? Their Personalities.

Anonymous

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

Anonymous Tower

Why were the twin towers actually twins?

Their birth and death date are the same!

Anonymous
in Yo mama

Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company

Anonymous

Your Birth Certificate is an apology from the Condom factory

Warmdust
in Wife

I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn't giving birth the bloody car would not start .

in Little Johnny

Teacher: Little Johnny, why are you late again? Little Johnny: I had to be their for the birth of our first mixed cow, the white cow fell on the mud! (The teacher faints)

Made by Evie and Peyton and Peyton’s Mom

Anonymous
in Mum

yo mama is soo stupid, because when see gave birth to you she asked for a receipt!

Anonymous

So one day I was walking home from school with my best friend sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that bob the class rep got her pregnant a eight months ago and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said “sally it’ll be ok I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson” “yeah thanks suzy” she said to me then went into her house. The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school so I was like oh she must be in trouble with her mom I’ll go check on her So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands “oh hello. Is that Sally’s son!! Can I see sally?” Her mom says sure and I go inside but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone “here lies sally 2004-2020” so I ask her mom in tears “oh did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied “you could say that..”

5
Planet
in Animal

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decalffeinated.

Anonymous

What did hitler get for his 6th birth day???

A KEWsy burger and an easy bake oven

My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Anonymous
in Prostitution

What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?

They both worry about how she will turn out!

yfw.jenn

Yo mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology

Anonymous
in Roast

Your so ugly that your birth certificate is an apology.

John Frank

Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sisters, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughter. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.