When jokes

Why does Michael Jackson wear a white glove?

So he won't bite his fingers when he eats a tootsie roll.

When the school shooter is getting roasted because of his Pokemon lunch box, but they don't know that there is a Glock 34 inside.

What does a beaten woman do when she comes home from the hospital?

Dishes if she knows what's good for her health.

I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.

A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.

When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"

The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.

Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"

God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"

A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast.

When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the "toast god" punchline, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man.

The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles.

How do you know when Helen Keller is home?

Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!

When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.

A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."

Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."

A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.

What do classical musicians do when they die?

They decompose.

I was working at a check-in station for a flight to Riyadh when suddenly I was approached by Benzema, Kante, and Neymar!

At first I was very surprised and curious, so I asked them why they decided to play in the Saudi Pro League and not MLS where GOAT Messi plays. They all smiled and happily replied: "Don't you know, the legendary bench warmer PRISTIANO PENALDO plays there!"

Now I fully understood what they meant! They know that Pristiano is already finished, so winning trophies will be easy for them. I smiled and happily let them through.

What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

She comes home with sparkles on her face.

What did the fish say when he got to the dam?

"Dam water."

"Dam!"

I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!

I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.

What's brown and white with red all over?

Terrorists when they went into the Twin Towers.

What do you call it when a gay guy eats Cheerios?

Fruit Loops.