When jokes

Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.

Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.

Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?

Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!

I didn’t know Stephen Hawking died. Oh god, it must have been when I disconnected the Wi-Fi!

When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.

What is the difference between a normal joke and a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

What happens when premenstrual Raggedy Ann gets with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

What did Allah say when he created the universe?

-Allahu akbar!!!

When does it rain money?

When there's a change in the weather.

Yo mama so fat, when she joined Team 10...

It became TEAM, 10, TONS!

Roses are red, violets are blue, When I see you, I play with my poo.

It said to submit a joke, and that's what my mom did when I was born.

Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere.

Your mama is so fat that when she was playing online, she crashed the whole server.

What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?

Run over.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.

The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.

When in Poland people go to a house party, and the atmosphere is bad, nobody is talking, they say: "Is there a German here?"

What's the difference between an air blower and Little Boy?

When the air blower blew, it did not wipe out Hiroshima.

Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?

Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.

|| 20 YEARS LATER ||

Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?

Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.

Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.

A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.

When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"

The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.

Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"

God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"

A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."

Here is a funny little prank I did on my sister. So she was in her room when she reached to get her shampoo, cause you know girls and hair, when she went to squeeze it out, it came out oil, toothpaste, chicken breast, barf, and onions! SHE PUT IT IN HER HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GROSS BUT FUNNY!

When she got to school she heard kids laughing at her cause the prankster did it again!

Later!