Violence jokes

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rihanna?

I’d hit that.

What do you call a deaf and blind axe murderer?

Helen Killer.

What does a cannibal do after eating its vegetables?

Sells the wheelchair.

I would never slap a woman, then I’d be destroying property.

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

How did the Emo kid bag all the cheerleaders?

He hit them all when he started shooting his shot.

Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The terrorists both say, "A beer."

The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"

One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

Here is a joke: Rape.

How many kids does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them. 😂😂😂😂

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

Why did nobody believe the little girl who got raped?

She said a monster attacked her.

Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?

He grew up a Florida Man, after all.

What does an autistic kid and a porn video have in common? You can shoot both of them, just not in public.

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.

Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?