When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.
Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.
How did the gay girl die? Homicide.
Roses are red, Violets are twisted, You bend over, You're about to get fisted.
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
Knott and Shott got into a gunfight. Knott was shot and Shott was not. Therefore, it was better to be Shott than Knott. But what if the shot Shott shot didn't hit Knott but Shott? Then the shot Shott shot shot Shott.
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
If a white cop had a black dick, would he beat it to death?
What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?
A bullet.
So, I was at a funeral the other day, and it was a school shooting mass funeral. The lady beside me asked me, “What do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “Probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “How dare you! You have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “Well, they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”
Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?
Breakfast in bed!
What's the difference between property and women? At least property still retains some value after getting wrecked.
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"
The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."
[being buried alive]
Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?
What do you call an autistic kid coming to school with a gun?
Special Forces incoming!
