Violence jokes

What's the difference between property and women? At least property still retains some value after getting wrecked.

Knott and Shott got into a gunfight. Knott was shot and Shott was not. Therefore, it was better to be Shott than Knott. But what if the shot Shott shot didn't hit Knott but Shott? Then the shot Shott shot shot Shott.

What does an Al Qaeda terrorist and a flexible man have in common?

They can blow themselves up.

Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide

Me: Aren't they the same thing?

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

Why do American guns only have 30 rounds in the clip? Because that’s the average class size.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

How did the gay girl die? Homicide.

Woman: "I want coffee, black."

Cop: *takes out gun* "WHERE?!"

Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?

A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

What first went through Sally's head when the Nazis came? A bullet.

Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded? Everywhere.

What did Sally get for Christmas? A bike.

I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.

What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?

Breakfast in bed!

What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?

A bullet.

So, I was at a funeral the other day, and it was a school shooting mass funeral. The lady beside me asked me, “What do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “Probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “How dare you! You have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “Well, they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”

A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.

All rape can be prevented. It's just a matter of semantics.

Where did Lucy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.