Violence jokes

What's the difference between a penis and a gun?

A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.

"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."

I like my Oreos how I like my victims... Drowning.

Ricardo Medina, one of the former red Power Rangers, pleaded guilty to killing his roommate with a sword.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how many you throw.

What's red and screams when you shake it?

A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

One time my boyfriend and I were playing the tickle game and I tickled him on his thighs by accident, and I said, "Oh no, I am dead."

Then he started tickling me on my thighs up to my vagina, and then I moaned while laughing and told him, "STOP, please."

Then he said, "That's what I thought," and I was like, you cheated. He was like, "You first did it."

So he went to the restroom and pulled down his pants. Then I jumped on him and pulled his dick five times, and he screamed, and I quickly ran out and laughed. Then he ran to me, and I screamed, and he started eating my pussy and fingering me while I said, "Okay, okay, stop."

And he stopped and started sucking my boobs and giving me hickeys while I said, "Please stop," and then I pushed him off, and he turned me around and put his dick in my hole, and I said, "Owwwwwwww."

Then he said, "Play with me, I'll fuck you up."

I said, "Ughh," and slapped him.

What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?

Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.

I was walking to the park and a mystery killer came and shot me.

You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.

I walked into a supermarket to get some ordinary clothes for the wife. Then I realized I was in a rape museum.

Your Mom tells you to take out the trash, and the next day the Police are asking if you bombed the School.

What turns green to red in a flick of a switch?

A frog in a blender.

You're walking into a bar and you see 2 younger kids around 18. You call the manager to have them removed, but no one came down.

Later that night, you see the 2 18-year-olds, 1 was a girl and the other was a boy, so you call the manager down. No one came again. You confront them and tell them to leave, but one turns around and hits you. You are knocked out on the floor. When you wake up, there is a hard feeling in your a**. You turn your head around and there is an autistic girl with a strap-on in your a** going full on hard.

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

Random person: Imma smack you so hard your skin pigment changes! Me: Who the hell do you think you are? Michael Jackson’s dad?

Me: What do you call a group of retards?

Friend: Down town?

Me: Nope, target practice.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

What do you call an autistic kid coming to school with a gun?

Special Forces incoming!