Violence jokes

A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.

When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"

God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."

One of the students reported a school shooting.

That fucking snitch...

My name is Jafar. I come from afar. There's a bomb in my car. Allahu Akbar!

How do you save your wife from drowning?

Take your foot off her neck.

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"

So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.

Q: What did I find on my son's search history?

A: Where is the nearest gun shop?

What do you do after you rape a deaf girl?

Cut off her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?

- A bus full of children.

2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

- He died of a yeast infection.

3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...

- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”

4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...

- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...

- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

VOTING FINAL This vote is for the best School Shooter joke of the month.

LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

DISLIKE: When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say “This boy always had a fat ass”.

Vote for the better joke and the Joke of the Month will be announced in the comments tomorrow.

Q: What’s the hardest thing about fucking a dude with a dildo?

A: Making sure he doesn’t wake up.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing?

Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.

What do you call a terrorist at a cinema?

A box office bomb.

So recently I hit an orphan with a 2x4, and he started crying. What's he gonna do? Tell his family? XD

How do you make a cat say woof? You cover it in petrol and light a match.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

Bruh, the cops just arrested a black dude...

Well nvm, they shot him dead.