Violence jokes

Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Jack fell down, his ass was bound, and Jill continued up the hill.

Jack came back and beat Jill's back, and he got the ultimate kill.

Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.

Students: Hiding under desk.

Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!

So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"

"What's worse than 10 dead babies stapled to a tree?"

"What?"

"1 dead baby stapled to 10 trees!"

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

If you're mad, go punch an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their mom?

I kicked the shit out of Little Johnny.

Go punch an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"

Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"

Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.

I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

In case there's a school shooting, the teachers can help out and shoot the kids.

Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!

What’s red and goes 100 miles per hour?

Babies in a blender.

Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on its face...

Q: What's red during puberty?

A: The blood on my hands.

What is black, white, and red all over?

My third wife.

What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.