Violence jokes
Get shanked with a lamb shank with a stinky pampa in the tolpan.
What's a crazy man's favorite phrase when he has a knife?
"Freak out!"
What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?
You cook spaghetti with his blood!
What's the difference between a pizza and a guy you really hate?
One won't scream when you remove their meat.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”
Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels!"
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?
A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.
Q. What's red and pink and spins around really fast? A. A baby in a blender.
"My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.
"Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.
"She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"
"You getting kicked out, bro?"
"Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."
"Is she one of them woke bitches?"
How to make a baby make funny faces?
Put it feet first in a blender.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have?
Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you.
Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you?
Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.
Ryan and his mother had cookies that day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan.
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."
A man goes to a motel room and sees a woman tied up and she said, "Help me please!" He had to do some forceful thinking.
What does a dead baby look like?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
So, apparently, Hitler's dad was quite the abusive fellow, always beating his son.
Guess that's why he's called (Hit)ler.
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
What's the difference between a pizza & a person?
A pizza doesn't scream when I try to shove it into an oven...