Vegetable jokes
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.
Onions was a good dog.
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!
How is spinach like anal sex?
If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber 🥒
Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?
Because they are full of ears!
Now that was a corny joke.
And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?
Seizure salad.
So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”
What’s 12 inches and is moist inside?
My record holding cucumbers, locally grown at my farm.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I cut up onions.
When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeno.
I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.
Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.
Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."
Walnut says, "I look like a brain."
Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."
Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"