Vegetable jokes

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

How is spinach like anal sex?

If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber 🥒

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber.

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?

Seizure salad.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?

Because they are full of ears!

Now that was a corny joke.

And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

What’s 12 inches and is moist inside?

My record holding cucumbers, locally grown at my farm.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I cut up onions.

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeno.

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?

Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.

Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."

Walnut says, "I look like a brain."

Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."

Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?

Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.