Vegetable jokes

What’s the difference between anal sex and vegetables? One is cruel to the person getting it in, the other is vegetables.

I was chopping onions with my brothers, so my little sisters cried. Onions was a good dog.

If Slade were a vegetable, he’d be a BRUSSELS SPROUT... small, bitter, and NOBODY wants him at the table.

I know a baby carrot when I see one.

What is an orange cucumber?

A carrot, duh!

What did the tomato say to the sad pickle?

"What's the big dill?"

What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.

What do you call it when you light a person in a wheelchair on fire?

Cooking the vegetables.

What kind of vegetable makes the best receptionist?

Cauliflower.

Why did the cucumber go to the doctor? Because he wasn't peeling well!

If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?

Caesar salad, Jack and Jill, little Johnny Koala,

Zebra, monkey, vegetables, bus, baa, bus.

What can you tell [is] the difference between Stephen Hawking and a carrot?

Nothing.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop an onion.

I like my vegetables like I like my women: forgotten at the bottom of my freezer.

Q: Why did the vegetable cross the road?

A: 'Cause someone let go of the handle bars.

What do you do with a frozen vegetable?

You wait for it to thaw.

I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.

Guess who likes vegetables now?

What starts with a "v" and ends with a "k"? A veggie Karen.

What’s a cannibal’s favorite food? A vegetable.