Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?
They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in only three moves.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Me: why are Americans so good at rubix cubing? Friend: why? Me: they have a history of separating colors.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
After 40 years, Kobe finally learned to pass.
What do you call an expert fisherman?
A "MASTER-BAITER".
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."
What do you say before you jump off a building?
Parkour!
Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.
Why are Americans so good at solving Rubik’s cubes?
Because they have a history of separating colors.
I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.
