Ups jokes

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Bagel."

"Bagel who?"

"Toast, it's me, your arch-nemesis, Bagel, here to make up! Bye!"

Yo momma is so ugly even the trash man wouldn't pick her up.

What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?

You end up doing all the work.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

I’m breaking up with you, bitch.

Why did the chair file a restraining order?

The booty wouldn't stop cracking up!

Wait, this is the category "dick." Sorry yours isn't long for yo mama to get fucked up.

"Oh, you’re still talking? I thought background noise was supposed to fade out after a while. Must be tough waking up every day knowing your personality was a failed experiment."

Where does bad light end up at?

In prism.

Why don't booties get invited to parties?

They tend to CRACK people up!

What's the definition of suspicious?...

A nun doing sit-ups in a cucumber field. 💀

How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.

What do Americans and stars have in common?

They both love shooting up.

I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."

Sailors are coming onto the boardwalk and are met by Colonel Sanders. He asks them, "What is your occupation?" They respond, "We are seamen." So he says, "Well, you better wash up 'cause I'm finger lickin' good!"

During the holidays in the fruit bowl, the orange walked up to the banana and said, "Berry Christmas!"

if an atom makes up everything im still suprised how it made ur mom

A child with cancer says, "Mother, what will I be when I grow up?"

Then the mother says, "Shut up, dick, you have cancer!" Hehehe.

Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?

Dad: Because you were made there.

Mum: We haven't been to Canada.

Dad: Hol' up a minute.

When someone pops up in your life making you all happy, you be like, "Who sent you?"