Ups jokes

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Joe Mama so fat, when she told a joke nobody laughed, but the floor was cracking up.

Keep smearing that make-up around your face, maybe you'll get somewhere with it.

Slept in my Rocky Horror T-shirt, woke up and seen blue skies through the tears in my eyes.

Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.

Friend: What goes up but not down?

You: Your age.

My girlfriend broke up with me this morning, and we just started dating yesterday.

Now she's having a breakfast.

How do you know if a black lady’s pregnant?

You put a banana up her vagina and see if any little monkeys come and get it.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."

Mommy, Mommy! Are we werewolves?

Shut up and comb your face.

Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Why does no one look up at Steven Hawking?

You have to look down to see him.

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....

Your hairline is so messed up, I thought a 2-year-old cut you up!

You're so ugly and fat, and you're so lazy you can't even get your ass up and walk.

A FedEx plane was carrying 375 fridges across Africa, but the cargo door wasn't shut properly, and only 218 reached the desired destination. The rest landed in a remote village. How many fell out the plane?

Time's up! You took too long; you only had 4 seconds to answer it.

How do you put an elephant into the fridge that pushed out the cargo door?

Open the fridge, put the elephant in, and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?

Open the fridge, take out the elephant. Then put in the giraffe and close the door.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she got hit by the other 156 refrigerators.

How did she survive?

Her idiot mother tried to pull her out and accidentally ripped both her arms off, but she was rescued 8 minutes later.

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.

Why was the short person a coward? They didn't stand up to challenges.