Ups jokes

When someone keeps talking while you are trying to focus on something, what is the rudest thing you can say to them?

SHUT UP!!!

Information has been leaked from government sources. When the current lock-up ends, the holder of the nation's purse, Fishi Rucksack, will launch a new initiative.

This will be to help the struggling "personal services" industry and will be labelled, "Sleep out to Help out."

An orphan goes up to someone. The guy says, "Where are your parents?"

The orphan says, "Why do you think I'm wearing ripped pyjamas?"

A penis is driving a car when all of a sudden it gets hit by a car, what did the penis end up saying?

Aaaawwwww I got dicklash!

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Bagel."

"Bagel who?"

"Toast, it's me, your arch-nemesis, Bagel, here to make up! Bye!"

Yo momma is so ugly even the trash man wouldn't pick her up.

What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?

You end up doing all the work.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

I’m breaking up with you, bitch.

Why did the chair file a restraining order?

The booty wouldn't stop cracking up!

Wait, this is the category "dick." Sorry yours isn't long for yo mama to get fucked up.

"Oh, you’re still talking? I thought background noise was supposed to fade out after a while. Must be tough waking up every day knowing your personality was a failed experiment."

Where does bad light end up at?

In prism.

Why don't booties get invited to parties?

They tend to CRACK people up!

What's the definition of suspicious?...

A nun doing sit-ups in a cucumber field. 💀

How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.

What do Americans and stars have in common?

They both love shooting up.

I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."

Sailors are coming onto the boardwalk and are met by Colonel Sanders. He asks them, "What is your occupation?" They respond, "We are seamen." So he says, "Well, you better wash up 'cause I'm finger lickin' good!"

During the holidays in the fruit bowl, the orange walked up to the banana and said, "Berry Christmas!"