Ups jokes

The twin towers were just tryna take after the leaning tower of Pisa, but they lost their balance and fucked it up.

Why did they make bus stops? So the bus driver would know where to pick the orphan up.

You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.

Playing a game called 7-Up.

Student: Why can't I use a pencil to tap their fingers?

Teacher: It's cheating!

Student: No! It's the object of the game.

Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.

Guy: Robin

Bank owner: Your last name?

Guy: Debank

Bank owner: Robin Debank?

Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!

You know this joke really cracks up my bones!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.

This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."

Ok, ok, ooh, I'm so lit right now.

Your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy. Ooh, I'm so lit right now, your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy. Ok, ok, ooh, I'm so lit right now, your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy.

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?"

The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.

His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"

Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"

How do you know if your wife is dead?

Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.

I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.

I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."

Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes

Yo mama is so slow, they had to wait six hours for the crane to finally show up.

Jeffrey Dahmer likes his men how he likes his coffee: black and ground up.

9/11 jokes are that deadly not even the towers could hold themselves up.

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...

Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.