Ups jokes
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
When your friends [are] talking about sports:
Jake says, "It was 17.56M people watching [the] basketball championship."🦁
Sam says, "It was 113M people watching the Super Bowl." 😯🐱
Avion says, "It was up from 1.12 billion people watching [the] World Cup." 😶🙀
What do orphans and broken up couples have in common?
They can't see each other anymore.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? Only the apple got picked up.
Memes
How does the earth rate its sex?
Earthquake, Cataclysm, Volcano explosion, Earth's core explodes.
If the earth's core explodes, then he got tore up!
Why did the emo swallow the alarm clock?
So he could wake up inside.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
Why don't orphans go home at pickup?
Because they don't have parents to pick them up.
This is fucked up, my name is Shaylie.
Why do emo kids sneak up on their Vietnamese grandfathers? Because they hope the war experience kicks in.
Mommy, mommy! Are we drug dealers?
Shut up and cut the coke.
My sister told me she liked Medusa.
I said, "Huh?"
My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.
I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
When I saw your face, it instantly made me throw up.
You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."
My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.
What happens to emo kids when they go up?
They never come down.
My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.
People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.
Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.