What goes up and down and needs two people?
A seesaw.
I beat up my twin friends with a plane.
What takes up 10 parking spaces? Five female drivers.
I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.
A guy wakes up one morning and is walking down the road, and he smells fish, and he says, "Good morning, ladies!"
What do you call a night person? A night owl 🦉 who is up all night, lol!
A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.
Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.
A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?
Because they blow up in your face.
Who was the most successful transgender and transracial person in history?
Michael Jackson. He grew up a poor, black boy, and died a rich, white woman.
What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
What did one skeleton say to the other?
Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"
Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)
Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."
Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"
Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"
why do women rub there eyes when they wake up cuz they don't got balls to scratch
There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.
One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:
Police: "What’s you name?"
Shut Up: "Shut Up."
Police: "Where's your manners?!"
Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."
I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.
