Dad: How was your trip to the park?
Daughter: It was good until the man came along.
Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?
Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...
Dad: Oh God, what next?
Daughter: Nothing, that was it.
Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!
Your momma so fat, when she stepped on the weighing scales, her phone number came up!
A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"
The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."
The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"
The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."
The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"
The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
People wonder why our generation grew up so sarcastic.
"Hey, how do I look?"
"With your eyes, Joe."
You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.
roses are red, violets are blue, I’m sorry you look like my old beat up shoe
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
What comes up on small oceans? Microwaves.
Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."
They will likely reply: "What's updog?"
To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"
As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.
I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.
What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?
"Why not you stand up for yourself?"
You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"
How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!
When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
Latias is red.
Latios is blue.
You should always remember to put up your curtains because I Pikachu.
Why can an orphan never get picked up?
Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL
Babe, I'm breaking up with you.
Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.
