Ups jokes
Somebody told me to go to hell, so I walked up to Donald Trump.
Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?
Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.
Guy 1: Don't you?
Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.
Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#
**Meow...**
Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3
A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.
She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"
So you're offended by midget jokes? C'mon, grow up!
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.
Gun
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your smile's warmth, Lights up my view.
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.
Did you get seafood without me?
What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?
A period.
I don't beat up midgets.
That would be punching down.
What does a physicist call it when a suicidal person is high up? Potential energy.
If a mentally challenged person shows up late,
Is it ok to call him tardy?
What did the Twin Towers say when they saw the airplane?
Batter up!
Wow, you did 10 chin-ups? Was it 1 for each chin?
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
Q: What's another name for cumming inside a woman?
A: Loading up the dishwasher.
Why does Adolf hate golf?
He ended up in the bunker.