Ups jokes

Deku: Hey Todoroki, are you done with your Halloween costume?

Todoroki: Yes. *comes out in a macaroni outfit*

Deku: Wha- I'm todoroni.

Bakugo: OMFG, I'm out! *blows up UA*

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

If a mentally challenged person shows up late,

Is it ok to call him tardy?

I walked up to some Arabs and said "Alawakba," then here came the second tower.

Kevin Woody (look him up)

When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.

Did you get seafood without me?

What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?

A period.

Why do high tides come up so high?

Because they come up to say hi.

I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.

How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?

Skelesore.

What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?

Stand-up comedy.

What did the rapper say to the SANDWICH?

"Wrap it up!"

I don't beat up midgets.

That would be punching down.

Ever heard of account stealing?

Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.