Ups jokes

I was going to tell a joke I made up about my vacuum cleaner, but it sucks.

Yo mamma's so fat no one was laughing, but the ground was cracking up.

I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would probably go up in flames.

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?

They both enjoy digging up the past.

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

Your mama is so nasty.

She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.

So you're offended by midget jokes? C'mon, grow up!

What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

"I thought what we had was special!"

What did the rapper say to the SANDWICH?

"Wrap it up!"

Why don’t alligators grow up to 15 feet?

They only have 4.

What do you call Mordecai dressing up as a basketball player?

Blue Jay Simpson!

We gave Erik ten Hag 7-Up after Liverpool thrashed Man Utd 7-0. He said, "F**k you all!"

One man's trash is another man's treasure, he said when he found out his parents split up and he is being adopted.

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”