"Candice balls fit up your nose."
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
what did the twin towers say when they saw the airplane
batter up
One man's trash is another man's treasure he said when he found out his parents split up and is adopted
I have had it up to here with you.
(Then there Hight.)
Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?
He woke up and found out it was true.
What's a deaf kid's favorite words?
"Shut up."
An orphan walked up to a baseball field, but a security guard said he couldn't come in because it was a home game.
My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.
What happens when a cow farm gets destroyed, then built up again?
It'll be udder renovation!
Mommy, Mommy, are you an archer?
"Shut up and keep the apple on your head still."
Mommy, Mommy! Are we dragons?
Shut up and don’t breathe on the drapes.
Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."
Why is Stephen Hawking not scared of anyone?
His wheelchair always backs him up.
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
Me and my friend roasting each other.
Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.
Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.
When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.
How do you make a body disappear?
You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!
P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.
Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."
Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"
Dulux have created a new type of paint. It's called "Sue Grey." It covers up everything.
